Dear Dating Doctor:
Maybe it’s just me, but I am repulsed by the amount of PDA (public displays of affection) that I observe others engaged in. Maybe I am just getting older and prudish (I am 31 and divorced). What do you think?
Tired of PDA
Dear Tired:
I too have noticed an abundance of PDA. Just last night I took a ride to the top of the Eiffel Tower at King’s Island. It was a beautiful, clear night. As I looked down and watched the water fountains dance with color, I heard a noise to my left that resembled the sound of a child sucking down the last drops of a milkshake. To my surprise, it was a young couple engaging in reverse CPR.
Lately, I had begun to wonder if I was overreacting to people involved in public lip-lock and body-Braille because I am a relationship columnist. But as I questioned friends, colleagues and readers, I found that they, too, had noticed peoples’ increasing openness in public.
What I am sensing is that people are generally sick of PDA and wish that others would learn to temper themselves. I couldn’t agree more. When I think of PDA, I envision a couple of high school teens groping each other by the bathrooms and pay phones at a mall or an athletic event (like they were ever there to shop or watch the game in the first place). But lately, I have seen it all, and the PDA has transcended all ages.
One couple of thirtysomethings sharing the same side of a booth in a restaurant, were so heavily engaged in the throws of passion, that a family of four (with two small children) left before their dinner had arrived. Another couple (in their mid 20s) while taking in a Red’s game, was attempting to discover just how inconspicuously they could maneuver their hands under the clothing of the other. Now granted, Reds games are boring, but this is still unacceptable.
These situations are examples of inappropriate PDA. Onlookers despise it. Participants revel in it. These moments are awkward for the observers who must endure them, and embarrassing for the “lusting” couples as well. Unfortunately, those lusting are so focused on their own self-gratification that they are oblivious to the atmosphere they have created.
A common thought I entertain is that if people go to these extremes in public, imagine what they must do in private. Their private lives are none of our business. Similarly, their physical relationships shouldn’t infringe on our lives. We shouldn’t have to encourage them to “get a room,” skip out on a wonderful meal or turn our heads at a ballgame in order to accommodate them. A very poor message is sent to children when teens and adults go too far in public. If these people truly respected one another, they would think before they acted and would not let body parts other than their brain do their thinking for them.
There is appropriate PDA. Romantic hand-holding, walking arm-in-arm or a brief, affectionate kiss. A loving smile. A private message whispered into a loved one’s ear. Opening doors for one another. This type of affection is charming, tolerable and endearing. An elderly couple exhibiting tenderness can warm our hearts and provide hope for our future.
PDA comes down to acts of lust versus terms of endearment. We simply ask to be spared the public mauling, grunting, slurping and groping. When we find ourselves in the mood to view such behavior, we can always tune into the Jerry Spring Show.

STOP MAKING EXCUSES FOR YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER
A vast majority of the questions I receive begin the same way…”I know my (boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, wife…) is busy and I’m sure they love me, but…” and then they proceed to describe the lack of attention, love, and respect they are receiving from their partner. They have become so desensitized to mediocrity that they have become numb to the basic minimum standards people exhibit when they love and respect one another.
My current mission regarding dating, relationships, romance, sex and marriage is to encourage people to stop making excuses for their partner’s lack of contribution and effort to their relationship. As human beings, we are often unaware that we are sending very strong messages to others. We may convey a message through the words we use and how we deliver them or by failing to express ourselves at a time when our words are wanted, needed or expected. We also expose our character and integrity through our actions or lack thereof. I believe in judging a person by their words and actions. Why? Because talk is cheap. Words dissipate – actions indicate.
If you find yourself making excuses for your partner’s lack of effort on a daily basis, it is time for that to come to an end. Your partner does not deserve to occupy space in your heart until they appropriately occupy space in your life – by being an equal participant.
You are worth more than you are receiving and while it may be scary to take the steps necessary to regain your self-respect and self-esteem, your happiness is worth the price. I would encourage you to follow the words of my friend Cindy Brock when she says, “It is better to live five minutes of something great, than a lifetime of nothing special.”

Dear Dating Doctor:
I am 26, attractive and have a great job and career. I find however that men in my age group don’t ask women out. “Dating” seems to have gone by the wayside. Do you think that women’s attitudes and the feminist movement have confused men?
Lonely and Not Liking It

Dear Lonely:
Women are perplexed all across America because the answer to your question is yes –men are confused (and so are women) as to what they perceive as politically correct dating practices.
Although the feminist movement has seen more active days (since most of what they espoused is now an accepted mindset), men have excellent long-term memories and are still attempting to sort out where they stand socially with women.
Certain men may be intimidated by the fact that you are attractive and are anticipating that they will be rejected as not good enough to approach you. Others may be hesitant because you have established such a successful career or may live by the motto, “I can’t get rejected if I don’t ask!” If they refrain from asking you out on a date, they can’t get “dissed.”
Men are confused. Should they sincerely compliment women at work, at lunch, at the gym or bookstore or will their advances be perceived as harassment? Should they be the aggressor and approach women about a social opportunity or wait for the perfect moment to suggest a joint venture where they can go “Dutch” (as not to offend her sense of independence)? Should they make a concerted effort to “pick up the tab” (an expected behavior learned from their parents and grandparents over decades) or quickly concede so that real or perceived expectations do not surface? This, men claim, makes them appear cheap, uncaring and non-committal.
This confusion among men has spawned the “brother, not lover” mentality. Straight, single men who prefer simple platonic partnerships (and a peck on the cheek) to physical and emotional interpersonal intimacy. There is less opportunity for misunderstanding and disappointment.

What’s the answer? Communication, assertiveness and flexibility by both men and women. Don’t be hesitant to ask men out. Simply make eye contact, smile and say “Hello.” You will only have to do it once. They’ll take it from there. Be clear about your expectations and desires up front. Men follow directions quite well, it is trial and error that we’re not very comfortable with.

Let him know that you appreciate being treated like a lady (as long as it is his nature to do so), but still desire the freedom to live independently. In short, men and women need to stop playing games and end the madness. Life is far too short.

Valentines Day Help for The Men

• Never buy a gift for her that infers that at some point in time she will be using it on you (hair trimmers, cookware, etc.)
• Even if you just began dating someone, get her SOMETHING. To give her nothing, sends a very strong, irreversible message.
• Never buy something that is alive (a fish, turtle, dog, cat, bird…) or something that should be and isn’t (a fur coat, alligator shoes, etc.).
• Never spend more than 1.5 times more on them than they spent on you. In other words, if you anticipate them spending $100 on you, then spend no more than about $150 on her. Don’t get into “Can you top this!”
• Don’t wait until Feb. 14th to give her your gift(s), give them to her on Feb. 13th with a little handwritten note that says, “No one as special as you should have to wait another day!”
• Give her one flower, not a dozen and maybe about a red rose simply because it is so cliche.
• Give gifts that show you have listened to her. Perhaps she mentioned something weeks or months ago and figured you forgot. Show her you didn’t forget and you will never forget what happens next!
• Give her one flower and one gift every day from Feb. 1 to Feb. 14 and culminate with the ultimate gift that day.

What about for guys who hate to go out and shop? Then Shop on-line. I am doing some work with MSNShopping.com and they post ideas for men who don’t have a clue, as well as for those who have listened carefully to what their lover wants. The beautiful thing about shopping on line for men is that they have hundreds of vendors under one umbrella like MSN and it appears as if they drove all over town when in reality they never left home!

Since I am receiving a multitude of email on this subject every single day, I felt it was time to set the record straight once and for all. Read nice guys…read.
Why do “nice guys” fail so often with women? You divulge too much information too quickly. You appear too needy and too desperate. You try to take care of a woman’s every want, need and desire, before she even knows what they are herself. You leave no mystery. You leave no challenge for women to triumph over. You are fearful that once you leave a woman’s presence, you also leave her mind. What you don’t realize is that if you have captured a woman’s imagination, attention or interest in some way, it is the moment that you leave her presence, she can’t get you out of her mind.
When you smother a woman, by calling too much, emailing too often, texting too often, being around all the time, you send a very strong message that you have low self-esteem and have little confidence that she will want you just for you or just to be with you. If a woman can sense that you have a successful, independent, exciting and interesting life WITHOUT HER, she may want a life or relationship WITH YOU. If she can sense that she is your entire focus and “reason for being” she may never want one with you. Why? She doesn’t have to….as you aren’t going anywhere. She can do whatever she wants, date whomever she wants, for as long as she wants, and come back to you weeks, months or years later and be confident that you will STILL be waiting for her. Who wants a guy like that? Not a strong, confident, independent woman who loves a good challenge.
If a woman loses her feeling of passion for you, rarely will she pursue you. Nice guys cause this loss of passion by being too available, too often, in too many ways. Back off, show confidence in yourself and live a life independent of her. Remember, everyone wants what they cannot have. It is okay to let a woman know that you have an interest in her, but then you must have the confidence and courage to back WAY OFF and give her a chance to MISS YOU.
Good luck nice guys, you’re going to need it!  

How to Spot a Lie!

Dear Dating Doctor:
We don’t date one another, but realized that we are constantly being lied to by those people we date. We also realized that we aren’t very good at knowing when we are being lied to. How can we get better at spotting a lie?
 -Adam and Eve

Dear Sinners,
Like you, I despise being lied to. I see it as the lowest form of cowardice. Usually, I can ascertain that it is happening. But some people are so proficient at lying that it becomes nearly undetectable.
To provide you with as much information as possible, I interviewed a number of people who are “experienced” at being lied to. They ranged from spouses who were cheated on, to landlords, policemen, and IRS agents. Here is a composite list of the characteristics they said to look for. The liar in question may:

• not be able to look you in the eyes. They will avoid eye contact and end it quickly if it accidentally occurs.
• exhibit irregular pauses when speaking. If they pause before speaking, they may be searching for the right words or answer. If they pause at the end, they may be watching your response to see if they successfully pulled off their scam.
• stutter, blink uncontrollably and laugh nervously after speaking.
• continually touch their face, mouth, nose or ears while talking.
• appear nervous or preoccupied. They fidget by tapping their feet, fingers or playing with their jewelry.
• have their exact story down pat. But when interrupted, be unable to resume from the point where they left off.
• contradict themselves. Their version of the truth changes over time.
• talk louder or with their hands to further emphasize their point.
• use the word “really” often. “Really, he/she is only a friend.”
• act surprisingly nice, helpful or caring in order to mask their guilt.