Men are Confused About the “Rules” of Dating
Dear Dating Doctor:
I am 26, attractive and have a great job and career. I find however that men in my age group don’t ask women out. “Dating” seems to have gone by the wayside. Do you think that women’s attitudes and the feminist movement have confused men?
Lonely and Not Liking It
Dear Lonely:
Women are perplexed all across America because the answer to your question is yes –men are confused (and so are women) as to what they perceive as politically correct dating practices.
Although the feminist movement has seen more active days (since most of what they espoused is now an accepted mindset), men have excellent long-term memories and are still attempting to sort out where they stand socially with women.
Certain men may be intimidated by the fact that you are attractive and are anticipating that they will be rejected as not good enough to approach you. Others may be hesitant because you have established such a successful career or may live by the motto, “I can’t get rejected if I don’t ask!” If they refrain from asking you out on a date, they can’t get “dissed.”
Men are confused. Should they sincerely compliment women at work, at lunch, at the gym or bookstore or will their advances be perceived as harassment? Should they be the aggressor and approach women about a social opportunity or wait for the perfect moment to suggest a joint venture where they can go “Dutch” (as not to offend her sense of independence)? Should they make a concerted effort to “pick up the tab” (an expected behavior learned from their parents and grandparents over decades) or quickly concede so that real or perceived expectations do not surface? This, men claim, makes them appear cheap, uncaring and non-committal.
This confusion among men has spawned the “brother, not lover” mentality. Straight, single men who prefer simple platonic partnerships (and a peck on the cheek) to physical and emotional interpersonal intimacy. There is less opportunity for misunderstanding and disappointment.
What’s the answer? Communication, assertiveness and flexibility by both men and women. Don’t be hesitant to ask men out. Simply make eye contact, smile and say “Hello.” You will only have to do it once. They’ll take it from there. Be clear about your expectations and desires up front. Men follow directions quite well, it is trial and error that we’re not very comfortable with.
Let him know that you appreciate being treated like a lady (as long as it is his nature to do so), but still desire the freedom to live independently. In short, men and women need to stop playing games and end the madness. Life is far too short.
Valentines Day Help for The Men
- Never buy a gift for her that infers that at some point in time she will be using it on you (hair trimmers, cookware, etc.)
- Even if you just began dating someone, get her SOMETHING. To give her nothing, sends a very strong, irreversible message.
- Never buy something that is alive (a fish, turtle, dog, cat, bird…) or something that should be and isn’t (a fur coat, alligator shoes, etc.).
- Never spend more than 1.5 times more on them than they spent on you. In other words, if you anticipate them spending $100 on you, then spend no more than about $150 on her. Don’t get into “Can you top this!”
- Don’t wait until Feb. 14th to give her your gift(s), give them to her on Feb. 13th with a little handwritten note that says, “No one as special as you should have to wait another day!”
- Give her one flower, not a dozen and maybe about a red rose simply because it is so cliche.
- Give gifts that show you have listened to her. Perhaps she mentioned something weeks or months ago and figured you forgot. Show her you didn’t forget and you will never forget what happens next!
- Give her one flower and one gift every day from Feb. 1 to Feb. 14 and culminate with the ultimate gift that day.
What about for guys who hate to go out and shop? Then Shop on-line. I am doing some work with MSNShopping.com and they post ideas for men who don’t have a clue, as well as for those who have listened carefully to what their lover wants. The beautiful thing about shopping on line for men is that they have hundreds of vendors under one umbrella like MSN and it appears as if they drove all over town when in reality they never left home!
